A loss. A torn loss.

Last Friday, my grandfather on my mother’s side passed away. Now, I have posted how I am not exactly the most welcomed member of the family after taking my stepdad to court for molesting me for years. Still makes no sense how they, people who are supposed to be family and stand by me while I went through such a hard time, can turn their backs on me when I needed family the most. Ugh, I can go on and on, but I just know that there is no way in hell I could ever do that to my children.  I would go to jail before anyone ever hurt my children. I will set the example for them to do the right thing, even when no one else thinks it is. I don’t know what I would have done without my dad and ex-stepmother during this time. It was nice to know I at least had some people in my corner.

Anyway, back to my main story. I was really kind of hurt by the way I found out. My dad texted me to see if I had heard from my mom. I thought it was odd but just told him no, I hadn’t talked to her in a while. He called me a couple minutes later to let me know that he saw on Facebook from one of my grandpas co-workers (he was a retired paramedic) that my grandpa had had a stroke and was in the hospital. I was floored. I didn’t even know what to say at first. I told my dad I would call my mom after we ate dinner and find out what was going on. I went back inside and jumped on the computer to see what was going on and see if anyone I knew had said anything. My sister called me a couple minutes later to let me know and tell me what had happened. He had a massive stroke on Friday night/Saturday morning. This was Monday. I didn’t even know that they had moved back up to Michigan from Florida a few months ago. Apparently he had told my mom that he wanted to be back up here with family whenever his time came. talk about some major foreshadowing there!

I called my mom that night, but we only briefly spoke. I said that dad had called me about it and that my sister had updated me on everything going on. She said that she was grateful my sister let me know and that I had been on her list to call. I tried my remind myself that this is  a hard time for her with her dad in the hospital as I questioned in my head why I was informed after coworkers and people that my grandpa hadn’t talked to in years. I didn’t realize just how low I was there. I shrugged it off, though, and just told her that I really hope he wasn’t suffering and that he goes peacefully. She had said that she had hope but that she was realistic in the fact that he was 80 years old and not in the greatest health even before this happened and knew that he wasn’t going to make it. After saying our goodbyes, and some soul searching, I decided that I wanted to go and at least pay my respect and what not in the hospital. I texted my sister and we figured out that Saturday we were going to go visit. We wound up going up Friday because he had take a turn for the worse Thursday night.

I mentally prepared myself for everything that could happen. I was pleasantly surprised, though, that there were some family members that actually spoke to me. Hugged me and everything. I gave my sister a surprised look and she laughed under her breath and gave me that “just go with it” look. A few minutes after we arrived, they took us back to grandpas room and the priest did the prayer for the sick and dying. I had this done years ago when I was going through treatment for chemo and it was getting rough. I still get chills thinking about it and what an incredible, intense feeling it was. When the priest laid his hands over my head, I had this incredibly overwhelming feeling that everything was going to be alright. Either way it went, whether I lived or died, I was in good hands and that I was being taken care of. Even after the priest had left after performing my sacrament, we sat at the kitchen table and were just in awe of it. My dad looked at me and was like “you felt it too, didn’t you?”  All I could do was nod my head in agreement. I told my sister and mother this which seemed to bring them some relief as the priest was finishing up with Sally, my grandpas second wife.  My grandma, my grandpas first wife, passed away in April of 2000, from a concussion.  I found out after my sister and I spoke when she was informing me of everything, that my grandma had had a stroke 2 weeks before she passed away. I got chills. Here it was, 2 weeks before the day she had passed, and now grandpa had a stroke. I’m getting goosebumps thinking about it now.

I watched as everyone went up and payed their respects and whispered in his ear. I held my sister as she cried, even shed a few tears myself as my mom let out a sob while saying her goodbyes and brought a little smile to her face when I pulled out my pack of “Frozen” themed tissues and told her to just “let it go”.  Then it was my turn. I felt I had to do something since everyone was staring at me.  So I went up and just said that my sister and I were there and that we would be there for mom so not to worry about her and that I forgave him for turning his back on me and that I hope heaven is as beautiful as they say and to say hi to grandma for me. There’s no sense in hanging on to the anger and disappointment of something that will no be changed.I truly hope it brought him at least some peace as he passed. We stayed for a while but had to leave so my poor sister could get some sleep since she was working midnights. My mom called me that night to let me know that he had passed and to thank me for coming.  She also called me Sunday to let me know about funeral arrangements and what not. We went to the funeral on Tuesday and said our last goodbyes. I stood back and let everyone else do their thing. Figured it really wasn’t my place and wound up not going to the cemetery. I had decided it was a family thing and I would let them do their thing. I am glad I went and at least said what I had to say and what not. I know I would have regretted it had I not.

A change of pace!

My family and I have started really trying to change our diet for a few different reasons.  To help us get healthy, to make better food choices (haven’t had fast food since January, which is a huge accomplishment for me to begin with!), and a big reason, is to support my daughter. We are fairly certain that she is ADD/ADHD, but we are trying every route possible to find something that helps her instead of just running out and medicating her. She is really such a spirited child, and the stories I have heard from mothers that have tried the different medication out there, I don’t want her to lose that loving spirit. Ugh, I get teary eyed just thinking about it.

One of the suggestions that had been brought to my attention by her teacher and a few other moms was cutting out dyes and unnecessary sugars and high fructose corn syrup among other things.  I took her grocery shopping with me to explain what we were doing and go over the different ingredients in foods we would buy before and how they aren’t good for us.  After a few times of explaining that foods she LOVED before were not good and we would not be buying them anymore, she really understood and was really good about it. She even busted me the next morning for being bad about it. I had grabbed pop tarts because my husband will usually grab some on his way to work in the morning, and before I get some caffeine in my system, I try to keep things easy and whats easier than just saying “grab a pop tart from the snack drawers”? So that morning I was exhausted because I hadn’t slept well and just told the kids to grab one and eat up. “But mom, we can’t eat those. those are bad for us!” She then ran and grabbed the box, looked in the ingredients and said “look, right there. See, I told you they were bad!” I was really happy that she really grasped the concept and was really good about watching it and at the same time was really bummed because that meant I had to get up off of the couch and make something else! Hate when it backfires some times! lol!